hinkyzine

Now in Hinkyvision!

Historic, hysteric patriotism July 5, 2010

Filed under: Daily Life,General — hinky @ 2:15 pm

Hoo Wee! Big fourth of Joo-ly fun at the grandparents’ house. Well, sort of. Usually, my Dad is so excited to buy fireworks every year that he can’t wait til actual fourth of July to set some of them off (just little ones – ground blooms, spinners, whizzers, snakes, etc.). In recent years, our city lifted its ban on lighting fireworks inside city limits. This prompted Baba (as we call him) to search out some more exciting choices like bottle rockets, ladybugs (my favorite) and the self-explained loud Neighbor Hater. For two years we have had all kinds of fun lighting these things and horrifying ourselves with the possibility that somebody is going to lose a finger, or that something is going to lodge itself into the rooftops and shingle siding of some neighbor with fantastic legal representation. So far nothing horrible has happened (cue mysterious, foreboding music).

This year, our little town decided to have a fourth of July parade. Most of the ‘floats’ were just cars carrying very old veterans, and there was no music whatsoever except the bag piper who started the show and the odd police siren throughout. The fire trucks blew their horns once in awhile, just to make sure all the babies were paying attention. My dad rode in the back of a truck dressed as Dr. Dougherty, for whom his historic neighborhood is named.

Dad as Dr. D.

Mom said his beard made him look like Col. Sanders. I said he looked more like a capuchin.


As the truck carrying Dad rolled by, my brother took the opportunity to lob a very hard Double Bubble at Dad’s head, causing him to clutch at his eyeball and careen sideways, much to the horror of the crowd. While my brother dissolved into hysterics, I screamed, “Who throws candy at an old man!?” My brother, that’s who.
kids and candy

Cooperative kids carting candy


The kids were instructed to hand big fistfulls of candy to everybody, causing their brim-full wagon to empty out before the final blocks of the parade, where 75% of the crowd was waiting. Better luck next year, sweaty crowds.
My mom got so hot she didn’t even complete the parade route, having not agreed to walk with the float/truck in the first place. She said she’d NEVER do that again, and I think the kids were in agreement. Later, it rained, and everybody was so tired they didn’t care about fireworks anyway, even though the big display was walking distance from our own yard. It would be nicer if fourth of July happened more like October. I’m not terribly patriotic anyway; I’d just as soon be comfortable.

 

Let’s just call this blog “Back From The Dead” July 3, 2010

Filed under: General,Links I like — hinky @ 9:19 pm

Wow. What has it been – a year? What happened? One moment I was telling vendors I wrote a food blog (which is how you get free samples to review, btw) and the next I was like, poof – gone. I have forgotten how to upload photos, maybe even how to take them…

We also bought a house this spring – a beautiful home in the historic district of our town (Liberty, MO, yo) built in 1921, or thereabouts. Hello $6,000 tax incentive! Instantly upon moving our roof had to be replaced (goodbye $6,000 and a little more 😥 look! I just made a keyboard crying face!). When I figure out how to use the camera again (and its little plug) I’ll post some photos.

We have had some other major repairs (radon mitigation – around $900 if you’re wondering, possibly a new furnace, some plumbing) and some health problems, so in all it has been a busy year thus far.

The whole experience has left me with the thought that getting back to my diary might be nice, helpful. Today, since I don’t have any new photos, I’ll show you an old one. This is a picture of a treat I made last year for Easter:

Wee chickie cake pops

And another photo from the same batch:

More cake pops!

Also, last summer my good friend (who I will call Saffron, because that is not her name and she can remain anonymous that way – and I don’t know anyone called Saffron, so it makes me feel exotic) got married in Maine and we took a family vaycay!

We stayed in a beach house...by the beach!

Since last summer when you last saw me eating hemp (see last post), I have cut my hair. Remember how I said I was growing it out to donate? It never got long enough. Something like 5 years of growing, and it just never got long enough. Ridiculous. I got sweaty and uncomfortable with it, so I just got it whacked off, but will probably start the long slow trudge to length again forthwith. Don’t ask me why. Hair torments me.

Last comment for today, and then I’m off to find my camera cord thingy — If you were tortured by Ke$ha’s appearance on Conan O’Brien, and you found that despite your horror and disgust at this so-called ‘artist’ you somehow managed to memorize the entire song and all the dance moves until the sound of it constantly ran through your mind like a phantom gravel truck on a loop to nowhere, then have I got a video for you. First, make sure you see that train wreck I just posted for you back there a few times. Make it thorough the whole thing. Ask yourself – who is she? Why does she say “sway-ger” instead of “swagger”? What’s with the drum majorette bodysuit… and who is her faux-hawked sidekick? If you have the stomach for it, watch parts 2 and 3 of this video load on YouTube. Familiarize yourself. THEN. WATCH. THIS.

Holy Cow. NOW I like it!

 

Good dog March 26, 2009

Filed under: General — hinky @ 2:28 am

If you haven’t seen this amazing clip of sheep herding dogs yet, allow me to bring you into the light (that’s a pun you’ll understand in about 2 minutes 45). Done? Okay, let’s continue. If you read the recent post from Pet Meds Online, you’ll recognize the smartest of the dog breeds, the Border Collie, in the clip above. I can’t tell what breed my little Leah is:

DUK: Dog of Unknown Origin

DUK: Dog of Unknown Origin

but I’ve always guessed it was partly Border Collie (and this was before I knew about the #1 smartest part).  She is an excellent herder, a watchful guarder (of the bird feeder), and gives impressive chase to kids, cats, squirrels and her now-deceased dog toy, Wishbone, rest his stuffed soul.  Leah came to us through a veterinary program at a local community college, where she had given birth to 5 babies, weaned them, had her teeth cleaned, her nails clipped, her worms de-wormed, and her puppymaker taken out.  Then she had a bath, and the vet school gave us our new beloved companion.  For free. They also threw in a bag of dog food.  This was 3 years ago.  Since then, she has been my constant buddy, and a gentle presence in a home fraught with the frantic activity only two little boys can provide.  I love watching her twitch in her sleep, and hearing her groan and sigh as she gets herself comfortable at the end of the day, retiring to her dog bed next to my side of the people bed.  I love my dog.  Since it has been proven her (suspected) breed is so smart, perhaps I shall teach her to talk, so she can say “I love you” too.

 

A little clarification March 18, 2009

Filed under: General — hinky @ 1:47 am

Hi Folks – There seems to be a little confusion about what I have been trying to tell you. I want us to understand each other! Don’t you see, I LOVE YOU! I want to be together foreeeevvvveeerrrr! So here, listen: I’m not writing my zine anymore. I hope I can return to it someday, but for now, it’s too much work. I’ll tell you what happened: Several years ago, I started a wee publication, the beloved Hinky, to help still the craziness I felt in my core from being the mother of small children. I loved my kids (still do!), but I didn’t handle the chaos of those early years with the grace I imagined other moms had. One of my problems was I didn’t know any other moms! So I stayed up late, writing funny stories, sometimes drawing irreverent pictures of naked game animals (I know, I know, they’re all naked – but mine wear kinky undergarments). This creative outlet kept me driven, and I looked forward to getting my thoughts out on paper every day. Once the copy was done, I took them to be printed, then I brought them home to assemble, staple, and mail. At its biggest, my subscriber list was 50 (thank you Marky G!), so the operation from start to finish was a bit involved. After a couple of years of this, something amazing happened – I got some friends! Real live other moms just like me who sometimes never got out of their jammies before dinner, moms who admitted they didn’t always feel like spending a 15-hour stretch with a toddler who didn’t necessarily have great interpersonal skills, moms who sometimes wished a jar of peanut butter and a handful of Cheez-Its could pass for “dinner.” In other words, I found out I wasn’t alone! And not only that, my friends had interesting things to share with me, and they liked hearing what I had to say too! I felt like I came out of the darkness and into the light. I still credit my mommy group for making my town a nice place to live, because once I met my new friends, all sorts of other opportunities and outlets for stir-crazy moms like me started to open up just because I had new input from other people who were looking for the same sort of distractions as I was. Suddenly, Hinky started to take a back seat to my new life as a mom who could actually handle things. My stories didn’t seem as outrageous anymore, none of my recipes seemed publication-worthy, and worse, I couldn’t think of any more large game animals I hadn’t already put into a skimpy nightgown. So I slacked off, dear reader, and I didn’t write much for what’s getting to be a year and a half now.

Several friends suggested I write a blog. I never liked that idea because with my Hinky zines, I told everyone you can just take them to the bathroom and read them piecemeal while you’re in there…doing, uh, other things. It was portable – you could give it to a friend, put it in your backpack, keep it near the toilet…whatever! You can’t do all that with a blog, and you can’t turn the pages, which I think is what I liked about it. Also, I don’t want to scan my pictures because it seemed sort of sterile. But since expressing this concern, friends have told me there’s nothing to using the scanner. So I’m going to figure out how to do that and see if I can’t start producing some artwork for youse guys.

I’ve missed you too! I don’t want us to grow apart! That’s why I’ve started this blog. And your job is to let me know how it’s going. Leave me comments, give suggestions, complain if you need to. I welcome your ideas. Let’s work it out. I think we belong together.

 

I’m lookin’ at the man in the basement March 17, 2009

Filed under: General — hinky @ 1:56 am

Something that happened this morning reminded me of something that happened on a different morning more than 10 years ago. Let me ‘splain. In 1996 or somewhere around that edge of the decade, I lived in rural Maine. I can’t emphasize how rural this place is. During the time I lived there, the population was under 2,000 and that includes the outlying countryside. “Town” was a main street plus a side street, and a couple of extra streets for houses. There was one bar, one little market, a drugstore, and about fifteen churches. It was close to the Sunday River Ski area, so we got a lot of tourists, but most of the time, you could see just about everyone from town just about every single day. Everyone knew everyone, everyone was related to everyone (except me), and if you found out you had a cold at 9 a.m., somebody would be asking you about it by noon. The post office was a huge social gathering space, and it didn’t matter when you went to get the mail – somebody you knew was bound to be there. This town is in the mountains, and everybody in those parts uses oil to heat their homes. If you’re new to town, people tell you not to let your tank run out, but having no experience with such things, I figured they were like the car – you don’t have to worry about them til something goes wrong. (I’m being facetious.) One morning, I woke up in the dead of winter, when the temperature rarely went above 10 below freezing, shivering in my bed. In the night I had had the wherewithal to put on a hat, a scarf, and mittens, in addition to an extra pair of sweatpants and a sweater. But it never dawned on me that anything other than cold weather was afoot.
In the morning, I mentioned my problem to a veteran northeasterner, who suggested my oil had run out. So I called the one place in town that supplied the tanks, and they sent over a hulking man who had to duck to get into my house, and when I said hello he replied, “WHAA YAAAHHH OOOOHHH TAAAA AAT?” Then he said, “HAA GIMMEL FRINK-A-DRAANNN” or some other such nonsense. I couldn’t understand a word. I instantly realized he was one of those guys who is basically a giant child, and although trained to fill oil tank, probably couldn’t be counted on to relay an accurate phone message. In other words, I think he may have been at a mental disadvantage.
He gestured toward his tool box, and I directed him to the basement, where I had not had the courage to venture. In fact, I hadn’t even unlocked the basement door. He did so, and, wielding his flashlight, descended the stairs. Slowly. I got the idea that maybe he was a little spooked by darkness. There was a bulb light down there somewhere, but I never had any desire to get close enough to it to turn it on, having always stayed upstairs, as it were. Nonetheless, the guy made it to the basement, I heard him click on the light, then heard a muffled shuffling of sorts, a series of whacking noises, and a “AAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” I ran to the top of the stairs, and called down: “What happened!?” After a few moments of silence, I heard (in clear English), “Nothing.” It was weird! I remember specifically wondering if something had reached out to grab this guy, who already seemed a little jumpy, and the shock of it all forced him to split off another personality to deal with it.
So this morning, a similar but very separate event occurred, reminding me of this other so long ago. My family sometimes goes to get hot chocolate at a chain coffee shop which shall remain nameless, partly out of my shame for giving them my business, and partly because they just don’t need my publicity. Nonetheless, there we were, the only people in the place save for one guy, who was sitting in the back with his feet up on another chair. Usually I don’t see people reclining with their feet up, home-style, but whatevs. Anyway, this guy was probably 60 or so, and looked normal enough, in a sort of Wilford Brimley sort of way. About the time we got our drinks, this man, silent up til now, lets out this long low moan like “UUNNNNGGGHHHHHH…..” with the expulsion of a certain force of air. I looked at my kids, who were looking at each other, trying to figure out what’s up with that. And then loudly, Owen says, “Did you hear that? That guy did that! That’s funny!” To which the guy replied nothing, of course, and left after 10 minutes or so.
So I guess my point is – what do you do when somebody makes a loud weird sound in front of you, a stranger, and doesn’t give any explanation? There really isn’t anything you can do, and what’s funny to me is the internal struggle I usually endure trying to pretend I don’t notice. I still wonder what happened in that basement!

 

Haircuts, plumbing, and work-at-home days March 12, 2009

Filed under: General — hinky @ 9:50 pm
Observe Leah, unable to give a rat's.

Observe Leah, unable to give a rat's.

Today a plumber told us our kitchen sink had digested a rubber seal, tried to assimilate it, and then attempted to barf it up through the faucet. Instead, what happened is the predigested seal made it partway up the spout, got stuck, and effectively turned off our water pressure. So we really need a new faucet. Good thing Kevin is at home today.

Kevin works at home on Thursday.

Kevin works at home on Thursday.

At lunch time we’ll go buy a new faucet, and install it ourselves having done it once before. Actually, Kevin will do it, and I will hand him tools and say things like, “Good job, honey,” while eating a banana.

Today I also clipped a little more off my bangs. I am trying to grow out my hair to donate to Locks of Love, and it’s taking TOO LONG. Some people have slow bowels – I have slow hair.  I’m getting bored.  I’ve been waiting for the minimum 8 inch growth for THREE FRACKIN’ YEARS.  Last week I decided to cut bangs, theretofore (looky!  I just made up a word!) non-existent, and NOBODY noticed.  Not that I cared.  But I did want to see if it made a dramatic difference and obviously it DIDN’T.  Today I thought, “Hmmm…maybe I need a few extra,” so I whopped off another 1/4 inch wide chunk or so, and here’s what it looks like:

See Kevin back there over my shoulder?  He looks like my elf advisor/parrot.

See Kevin back there over my shoulder? He looks like my elf advisor/parrot.

Kevin says it makes me look like Cat Power.

I wish.  No, I mean, she WISHES!

I wish. No, I mean, she WISHES!

I think I at least need to get a shirt like that.  Or a beach towel…is that a shirt?  I can’t tell.  It would make a cool shirt for the ultra-patriotic.

ANYWAYZ!  So I’m thinking about going to my hairdresser to see whether I can donate layers, or if I have to have it all one length, because if it looks more interesting (ie; not straight and limp as it looks now), maybe I can stand to wait for the next few inches.  As it is, I have enough to donate if I want to end up with super short hair ala my third grade school picture (hell-ooooo Dorothy Hamill!).

Leah just couldn’t care less.

 

Owen Rides December 4, 2007

Filed under: General — hinky @ 2:36 pm

Although ultimately I know this is a good thing, it makes me sad that Owen rides the bus. He gets on at 8:20, which means I have an extra 45 minutes each day to do all the things I complain about never having enough time to do, namely cleaning (and who doesn’t want more of that, I ask you). He loves the bus. It has monkeys on it. It is the monkey bus. But it’s kind of sad to see him scramble up the steps and wave goodbye every time he gets on. So I’ll have to console myself with some hard core toilet cleaning, and maybe some chocolate cake.